10

Day 10 and I think we're having what they call a grow spurt here. Since early morning this little dude eats and sleeps and cries when eats. It really is heartbreaking. But you have to be strong. You have to be. I understand now why some women resign from breastfeeding. It's do emotionally wrenching on a days like this. But the thing is- I educated myself about the subject well enough to know why we're having hard time now and I can't give up now. I can't. So I breath through every time he cries and I know it will pass and its closer to the end. Quite similar with contractions during labor.
So I keep him close in between so he can feel safe.

8

I'm very tired but I cannot sleep. I keep finding myself things to do and the top on the list is looking at my son. At the moment he is on my left in the moses basket his father bought him yesterday at night. 

He wakes up now, slowly and I can swear he is already bigger or the basket got smaller in the last hour.

I need to remind myself to keep writing. Don't just sit and think, keep writing. I will regret if I won't. That's the only thing I can do. That's what will keep me sane.

I realised how fast I wanted to become everything I need to be- a good mother, a good house wife and partner. I didn't realise that I would just gave a birth couple of days ago, after 48h long labour, after 9+months of growing this amazing human inside me. There is no way I could handle pressure, so I broke down on Tuesday, when my partner was away and I called him and I sweared at him, and I felt so lonely and tired and overwhelmed. I looked on my son, the calmest person I've seen, looking on me with his 'what's a big deal, mom' look already. I cried. I held him so close, so tight and I cried on his freshly washed onsie. 

My partner came back home straight away and I think at that point I couldn't even vocalize my feelings. Midwife visit was due that day so I had to go and wash my face, eat a cake, drink a tea, bring myself back together.

Since then I cry every day. I'm not depressed, but all this mix of emotions from every day are hitting hardly when day is getting ready to end. It's getting quiet and unconciounsly I'm getting more relaxed so all this is pouring out. 

And my body, wow, what a war zone. I went downstairs with rubbish and to check post couple of days ago and I just put my nose out for couple of steps. And I felt like all my bones are in wrong place and my lungs are underwater. I came back upstairs and cried again. Now I undersand what they mean when they talk about baby steps.

But above all there is love I've never felt before. Never. And nothing can ever beat it. And it's stronger and stronger each day, each morning, with every burp and every breath of milky air coming from his mouth.

Sea of love. Janek, 8 days old.

Ps. I started writing my birth story as I don't want to forget any detail. It takes ages. It's a long and important story, so maybe it shouldn't take any less time than it will.

High hopes.

I am a mother now. There's this pretty, such a pretty little thing sleeping on the bouncer next to me. He is so calm and relaxed and has no idea how he changed universe around him already.
I just now realised I need to keep writing about this before it will all become just a fight with next nappy, remembering the boob I fed from last time.
I need to remember the first night I spent with him on the ward. This milk high face. Everything.
The birth, too- long, 48 hours worth labor. The most amazing partner. The most wonderful midwife. I fell in love with this woman- every time I think of her now I cry. The guitar earing in her right ear and her calm face. All the details.
He was born on Thursday morning and I already have some skills I thought I will never have. And I invent new things like putting wet wipes in my bra so they get really warm before use. Unconsciously making both tea ( two tea bags...) and coffee in the morning- to drink one first and have second ready to microwave anytime. I feel calm and good and I feel I know what I'm doing( most of the time). I feel strong. Wow, I was so afraid. And I really feel like I was made for all this.
(Note to self: make time every day to write about him and your feelings. So important for when he will be bigger and things will get harder to remember all this. Also- carry him more! Even more.)

Welcome to the world, Jan. Such a perfect life- you.

The day before D Day.

Tomorrow is my due date. Our new flat mate is not here yet, we are ready. We're feeling fine. It's calm and sleepy most of the time. Sometimes I'm bored out of my tits and don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes my hormones go crazy but I recognize them and let them go.

Today I learned two things.

First- when you're pregnant don't tell anyone your due date. Let the kid bake in peace. There's nothing more frustrating and nothing more convincing for your baby to stay inside even longer then constant text messages, phone calls and questions. He'll come when he'll come. There is noone who wants him out more then his parents. Really.

Second- move your ass outside and walk. Put the music on your ears, buy yourself a coffee and go. Life is amazing, fresh air is amazing. Note to self: once the kid is out go for a walk every day, even if for couple of minutes. For your own sanity. Note to self 2: if your 39 weeks and 7 days pregnant be careful with going up the hills. It's far worse to get down then you think.

 

*

Oh hello, I'm still here and the boy is still trying to figure out the exit.

We woke up an hour ago( I had dreams of giving birth on the train, breastfeeding with blood and being unable to hold his neck properly- am I anxious first time mother? Go figure), I felt Zs( my other half) playing with my hair and putting fingers in my ears and picking on me his old usual way( yes, he's almost 30 and about to become a father; this is why it's so exciting) and I felt for a second like I want to stop time and never give a birth and I cried a little bit inside because there will be never again just the two of us, our son will be here any day now. I know it's all great and what we wanted but I'm just scared we will lose each other a little bit. But then I'm sure we won't, or we'll find another way. I guess those are all normal feelings. And I'm learning to aknowledge them and carry on.

And the love kick starts again.

It maybe the last night with myself and only myself for a very long time. As much as I didn't feel comfortable doing it( labour can start any second now, I generally can't sleep alone at nights, it just doesn't seem right to leave me here on the edge alone)- I'm really happy I made this choice. I can listen to me, even if I'm not saying anything. I didn't do much, just watched couple of pictures, listened to few songs, drank 0% beer, baked a cake and broke it in half. After I finish writing it I'll go and paint my nails. Maybe have another beer or a cup of tea. And then I should go to sleep because I have early midwife appoitment tomorrow- nothing I fancy, but my midwife is a nice person and she's Irish and the cake I made is chocolate/guiness cake with white frosting and I'm going to bring her a slice; I think it will make her happy. 

I don't know what kind of things I should write in the last thing I will write while alone for a long time. I'm 24 years and 4 months old. I don't know who I want to be when I grow up, but I'm going to be a mother any minute now. And I need to take it from there. I tend to overthink and overreact and it usually leads to short dramas with quick and happy endings. I make those happy endings in my head as well as the dramas in first place. They don't come from outside very often. I make them. I'm not very good with people, I'm much better alone and maybe I should stop fighting it, maybe I should embrace and accept it. That's how I am. But when I'm into people, I'm into them. They fascinate me and make me jealous, they inspire me and make me laugh. But I hate them as much, when they are grumpy, smelly, coming too close to me, when they scream or are very drunk or when they are plain silly. Just like me every now and then.

I'm not sure I like myself, but I need to fight it too. There will be a small man sleeping across the room very soon and I need to show him to accept but fight for yourself at the same time. I want to show him all the best things in the world. I want him to focus on positive, rather then negative. I want him to laugh out loud and never listen to anyone who will tell him differently. I want him to be healthy and strong and never ashamed of his mother or his father. It all seem surreal when I write it.

I better go and paint my nails. Bye, Gosia. Hey, Gosia.

And this:

'pregnancy helpline uk, pregnancy breakdown, nervous breakdown while pregnant, emotional stress in preganancy.'

Those are searches from my web history today. I typed them all around 5am, after writing a long post on some birth club forum and got no answers. I woke up at 4 when my boyfriend was waking up to go to work. He left, and it happened- I started crying, I couldn't breath, I coudn't make a sound so I screamed without it. Then I reminded myself of this little dude growing inside me( or maybe he kicked me, awake and curious, scared and unsafe) and it became even worse because now I was both breaking down and guilty for breaking down and the circle was on.

I didn't had much sleep over last couple of days- you know how it is if you were pregnant before- and maybe this was beginning of the effects that sleep deprivation can have on me. There were other aspects too- I had and awful morning the day before with my boyfriend( about which he forgot immediately and I continued to worry and play the worst case scenarios in my head). In general I'm feeling lonely too, because I live far away from my parents, my brothers are living busy lifes and my other half works his ass off since I got pregnant. I don't want to complain about all this to my friends without children because I don't want to bore them or I know there have even less advice that I could give myself.

Here's what I did after researching and finding fuck all of help- I stood up, went to the toilet, went to the kitchen and made myself a huge cup of tea with honey, came back to bed, looked across the water, drank my tea and I started to pray. I don't believe in God/god, I despise church and I almost forgot all the prayers my mother teached me( please don't tell her). But I started to pray- I put some words together, aloud, shy and conscious in my native language and I cried. I have no clue to who or what I was talking, possibly I was talking to myself- but it seemed to calm me down enough to lay down again.

I played some fairytale audiobook to my bump to soothe my son after all this trauma and I slowly felt asleep again, two and a half hours later, exhausted.

I had a dream that our flat was on an island and we had to take ship everytime we wanted to sort out something in town or get some groceries. It was very windy.

I had a dream that I had a flight to some beautiful place on Earth booked- but I didn't got on a plane because I saw my boyfriend on the plane that was coming from the same direction( you know how it's all possible in dreams).

I had a dream that I was painting my nails red.

I woke up and year on my laptop was 2006. 2nd of October. Almost a month before my 18th birthday. I changed the date manualy- going month by month and dear me- there was lots of months on a way to today. It made me think about all the things that I've done and all of the decisions I made in between. I felt scared, excited, worried, excited, amazed and I realised that in 40 odd days I'm going to have my son here. He will be just next to me in bed or sucking on my tit or sleeping in the cot that is not even here yet. The whole universe is about to change and I really can't wait. So I took a deep breath and I started writing. Now I'm going to take a shower.

Ps. If you are here because you typed in Google same thing I typed in Google this morning/night- please- I know there is not much help, there is no telephone number or no golden rule. Please make yourself a nice cup of tea, fuck praying if you don't feel like it- just drink this tea and try to breath it trough. It will happen, you are stronger then this. You're so damn strong there is a human inside you and I bet you- he can smile already. Breath.