Wednesday, 13 February 2013

'pregnancy helpline uk, pregnancy breakdown, nervous breakdown while pregnant, emotional stress in preganancy.'

Those are searches from my web history today. I typed them all around 5am, after writing a long post on some birth club forum and got no answers. I woke up at 4 when my boyfriend was waking up to go to work. He left, and it happened- I started crying, I couldn't breath, I coudn't make a sound so I screamed without it. Then I reminded myself of this little dude growing inside me( or maybe he kicked me, awake and curious, scared and unsafe) and it became even worse because now I was both breaking down and guilty for breaking down and the circle was on.
I didn't had much sleep over last couple of days- you know how it is if you were pregnant before- and maybe this was beginning of the effects that sleep deprivation can have on me. There were other aspects too- I had and awful morning the day before with my boyfriend( about which he forgot immediately and I continued to worry and play the worst case scenarios in my head). In general I'm feeling lonely too, because I live far away from my parents, my brothers are living busy lifes and my other half works his ass off since I got pregnant. I don't want to complain about all this to my friends without children because I don't want to bore them or I know there have even less advice that I could give myself.
Here's what I did after researching and finding fuck all of help- I stood up, went to the toilet, went to the kitchen and made myself a huge cup of tea with honey, came back to bed, looked across the water, drank my tea and I started to pray. I don't believe in God/god, I despise church and I almost forgot all the prayers my mother teached me( please don't tell her). But I started to pray- I put some words together, aloud, shy and conscious in my native language and I cried. I have no clue to who or what I was talking, possibly I was talking to myself- but it seemed to calm me down enough to lay down again.
I played some fairytale audiobook to my bump to soothe my son after all this trauma and I slowly felt asleep again, two and a half hours later, exhausted.
I had a dream that our flat was on an island and we had to take ship everytime we wanted to sort out something in town or get some groceries. It was very windy.
I had a dream that I had a flight to some beautiful place on Earth booked- but I didn't got on a plane because I saw my boyfriend on the plane that was coming from the same direction( you know how it's all possible in dreams).
I had a dream that I was painting my nails red.

I woke up and year on my laptop was 2006. 2nd of October. Almost a month before my 18th birthday. I changed the date manualy- going month by month and dear me- there was lots of months on a way to today. It made me think about all the things that I've done and all of the decisions I made in between. I felt scared, excited, worried, excited, amazed and I realised that in 40 odd days I'm going to have my son here. He will be just next to me in bed or sucking on my tit or sleeping in the cot that is not even here yet. The whole universe is about to change and I really can't wait. So I took a deep breath and I started writing. Now I'm going to take a shower.

Ps. If you are here because you typed in Google same thing I typed in Google this morning/night- please- I know there is not much help, there is no telephone number or no golden rule. Please make yourself a nice cup of tea, fuck praying if you don't feel like it- just drink this tea and try to breath it trough. It will happen, you are stronger then this. You're so damn strong there is a human inside you and I bet you- he can smile already. Breath.

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