Sunday, 21 April 2013


Day 10 and I think we're having what they call a grow spurt here. Since early morning this little dude eats and sleeps and cries when eats. It really is heartbreaking. But you have to be strong. You have to be. I understand now why some women resign from breastfeeding. It's do emotionally wrenching on a days like this. But the thing is- I educated myself about the subject well enough to know why we're having hard time now and I can't give up now. I can't. So I breath through every time he cries and I know it will pass and its closer to the end. Quite similar with contractions during labor.
So I keep him close in between so he can feel safe.

Friday, 19 April 2013


I'm very tired but I cannot sleep. I keep finding myself things to do and the top on the list is looking at my son. At the moment he is on my left in the moses basket his father bought him yesterday at night. 
He wakes up now, slowly and I can swear he is already bigger or the basket got smaller in the last hour.
I need to remind myself to keep writing. Don't just sit and think, keep writing. I will regret if I won't. That's the only thing I can do. That's what will keep me sane.
I realised how fast I wanted to become everything I need to be- a good mother, a good house wife and partner. I didn't realise that I would just gave a birth couple of days ago, after 48h long labour, after 9+months of growing this amazing human inside me. There is no way I could handle pressure, so I broke down on Tuesday, when my partner was away and I called him and I sweared at him, and I felt so lonely and tired and overwhelmed. I looked on my son, the calmest person I've seen, looking on me with his 'what's a big deal, mom' look already. I cried. I held him so close, so tight and I cried on his freshly washed onsie. 
My partner came back home straight away and I think at that point I couldn't even vocalize my feelings. Midwife visit was due that day so I had to go and wash my face, eat a cake, drink a tea, bring myself back together.
Since then I cry every day. I'm not depressed, but all this mix of emotions from every day are hitting hardly when day is getting ready to end. It's getting quiet and unconciounsly I'm getting more relaxed so all this is pouring out. 
And my body, wow, what a war zone. I went downstairs with rubbish and to check post couple of days ago and I just put my nose out for couple of steps. And I felt like all my bones are in wrong place and my lungs are underwater. I came back upstairs and cried again. Now I undersand what they mean when they talk about baby steps.

But above all there is love I've never felt before. Never. And nothing can ever beat it. And it's stronger and stronger each day, each morning, with every burp and every breath of milky air coming from his mouth.

Sea of love. Janek, 8 days old.

Ps. I started writing my birth story as I don't want to forget any detail. It takes ages. It's a long and important story, so maybe it shouldn't take any less time than it will.

Monday, 15 April 2013

High hopes.

I am a mother now. There's this pretty, such a pretty little thing sleeping on the bouncer next to me. He is so calm and relaxed and has no idea how he changed universe around him already.
I just now realised I need to keep writing about this before it will all become just a fight with next nappy, remembering the boob I fed from last time.
I need to remember the first night I spent with him on the ward. This milk high face. Everything.
The birth, too- long, 48 hours worth labor. The most amazing partner. The most wonderful midwife. I fell in love with this woman- every time I think of her now I cry. The guitar earing in her right ear and her calm face. All the details.
He was born on Thursday morning and I already have some skills I thought I will never have. And I invent new things like putting wet wipes in my bra so they get really warm before use. Unconsciously making both tea ( two tea bags...) and coffee in the morning- to drink one first and have second ready to microwave anytime. I feel calm and good and I feel I know what I'm doing( most of the time). I feel strong. Wow, I was so afraid. And I really feel like I was made for all this.
(Note to self: make time every day to write about him and your feelings. So important for when he will be bigger and things will get harder to remember all this. Also- carry him more! Even more.)

Welcome to the world, Jan. Such a perfect life- you.