After another evening of being grumpy and tired we lay in bed and Zsolt asked me: so what is missing in your life? And there was no answer, there was a silence. I said, after a while, something stupid like- power, strenght; Zsolt sighed quietly and told me yet again that I am stronger than I can imagine I am. I cried, but I thought- I know. This is true.
What is missing in my life?
I have amazing son, great partner, healthy family, good friends( not many, but those who are there are 'taller than giants'), I have a big talent( that I'm stupid enough not to use), I love in a great place, I have things to eat and drink and read and learn.
Okay, I'm so so tired, I feel like I'm in a prison( it's a kind of mental prison where my head seems to have a life sentence), I wish I could go for a holiday somewhere nice and hot or at least go home for a while.
But it's important to remember-all this is just a phase. I bet that in 20 years when I will be able to visit every damn beach in the world, I will be upset and I will think about time when my son's life physically was in my hands( and tits). Even in 10 years I will miss those days.
So from now on I will try my best to enjoy the place I am now. It's a great place( on a floor that needs a good hoover, between king sized bed with my man and usual sized cot with my supervisor). I sit here for a reason. I should be grateful for what I have, be more with it all instead of constantly looking back or forward or from above or from too close.
Be grateful. And give this flat a good hoover( it's great to have electricity!).