Lift

I'm sitting on the floor and waiting for Janek to wake up for his first night feed. It’s so damn hot, isn't it? I can feel my body sweating and I just took a shower; I don't think it ever happened before in this country( since I'm here obviously). It reminds me of hot hot nights back at home. When you sit long after midnight on the balcony with your grandma and you just breath this warm and sweet( grandma had lots of flowers) air.

Today I exercised once again. The workout I do is by a very famous now Polish girl who slowly changes the way Polish women look and feel about themselves. Trust me, you hate her while you're on a mat, but as soon as you're done- you're in heaven. And then she says the crucial words: I am proud of you. You did amazing job today.

At this point I cry. Every single time. I just burst into tears.

It makes me think- how sad is this world? Where is this world going? If the only time you feel good about yourself is when somebody else tells you you did a great job. And if thousands of people follow the person who tells them every day: I'm proud of you, you're awesome( people started to compare this fitness instructor girl and all her fans to a sect) it gets all negative again.

I thought about it and about myself. And about myself and others. And about how much I can forgive others and how little I can forgive myself. It's just fucked up.

Of I look only on today I've done SO MUCH; for my son, for my house, for my man, for myself.

And I'm still beating myself up, I think it's not enough and I actually want people to say to me that I do everything great. And if its not great is good enough.

But the only person that should acknowledge this and say this is writing this damn post. Obviously it's nice to be appreciated but I remember we could cherish every thing my mum was doing every day and she was still unhappy. If you don't respect and believe in your job, who the fuck will?

Of course, it may all be so obvious it can become painful. But it's not on every day basis.

I would like to vow here to make Janek feel proud and awesome about things he does. And don't contradict this with a following sentence. (’Very nice drawing.
I wish your mother had an abortion.’)

You're awesome, I'm awesome. Today I feel proud.