Wednesday, 5 June 2013

at the end of which I eat a piece of chocolate

Last couple of weeks are hard. So hard. Very bad days change to strange days to better days and to very bad again. I'm not even sure how to write about it because I have problems vocalizing my feelings.
Since I became a mother all those things about me are just showing up every day- bang, pop, pow- things I didn't knew or didn't want to know about myself. 
I'm going from totally hating myself to feeling well about all of it in the matter of hours. Sometimes minutes.
It all looks so good and happy on the outside, inside of me there is a constant battle, I'm constantly telling myself I do things wrong or not good enough- and then, automatically, this is just what's happening. I start to make mistakes I could easily avoid.
And oh, god- everything is affected. My relationship, my friendships, my self-esteem more than ever and my kid. I feel awful but at the same time I need to know I have right to all this feelings. But at the same time I want to stop feeling them.
It's so hard it's even hard to say what ACTUALLY is happening. Because maybe it is all inside me?
I cannot wake up. I wake up and I cry because I'm so tired( no matter how long I sleep- and Janek is an extremaly good sleeper! He just wakes every 3ish hours to eat and falls back to sleep; ALWAYS). Takes me couple of nice minutes to get awake enough to realise that Janek is not hungry anymore( I try to catch more sleep and shovel my tit in his poor mouth)- he has gas and needs to be burped. It takes so much effort to actually come up and burp him- crazy. 
Day reveals itself, it's getting better until I feel I should be dressed already, I remind myself that the best days are days when we're out and about early. But no- I will drink a tea, feel crap about myself, spend another hour on my iPod instead of for example taking a shower or reading a book( Janek is napping at this point).
Somewhere then I panic- start to clean the house furiously, think what to cook for tea( by the way it took me 3 years in this country to realise what 'tea' means; haha! I was always like- what do you mean what I cooked for tea- biscuit?), get dressed, feed Janek, put the make up on, turn the washing machine, wash dishes, change Janek, write shopping list, feed Janek, put him into pram and we're out to the shops. 
This feels good, to be out- until Janek starts to cry- which he does rarely and I feel ASHAMED ( why the fuck do I feel ashamed that my child is uncomfortable!?) that I AM FAILING because my baby is crying BECAUSE I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And I don't know what's wrong. 
But he doesn't cry much( trust me, this boy is an angel and I should be grateful forever, I would probably die with all those feelings if I had a cry baby) so we do the shopping, I spend much more money than I should because there is always a magazine or a nail polish or whatever that needs to go in as well ( WHY!?).
We get back, I feed J, I cook a bit, he hangs around on his chair, if he sleeps he sleeps if he is awake I feel guilty the same second I notice that I don't spend enough time with him.
Guilty guilty guilty. Fuck. My brain is fucked.
There are days when I just run around him and I'm not happy at all and I don't feel any joy from any of it.
There are days when every time he smiles at me I cry from happiness because he obviously loves me so much and is happy here and I make myself ask questions: why do you love me, baby? Why are you happy? I don't do anything for you. I definetely don't do enough. What do you do with 2 months old? What do you do with baby that's one year old? How will I know? ( See, now I know all those questions are so stupid, but once I feel them it's a different story.)
There are moments, short moments, when I feel so proud he is my son and I feel so good about myself, too- very short ones- in Starbucks when he talks to me and smiles and I look nice in pink dress and I feed him and kiss him and people are passing and they smiling to us; in a lift when he cries his heart out and the lift is full but I still make everyone laugh a good laugh and J stops to cry and then we're home.
Everyday I keep thinking that I'm not good enough and that I should sort myself out first before actually having a baby. Everyday.
It's all so chaotic, I'm sorry( to whom? I write it for myself, I put it out there because maybe someone will have some advice). I cry every day.
I googled too much of postnatal  depression and 'adult child of alcoholic' syndrome and all this and I should stop because in the same way I probably have a cancer already. I refuse to take any kind of drugs anyway. Because it's all inside me, see? I know it. Every day I see it and I'm scared it will go to my son- and I want the good things to transfer, not all this. Why do I need people's permission all the time? Why do I want people to feel sorry for me?Why do I care what they think? Why I AM SAYING SORRY EVERY DAY MINIMUM 265421 TIMES( sorry I'm passing here with my pram, sorry I'm on your way, sorry I wanted to get out of the lift first before you got inside, sorry my kid is crying, I'm sorry I look for money longer than 3 seconds, sorry I couldn't pronounce this word properly, sorry I'm here)? Why do I need their advice about my every step? Why I forgive them so much and I treat myself so harsh?
I kind of knew all of it about me before but it's since I became a mother it all goes out to the surface. Ok, it has something to do with hormones but I refuse to throw the blame on them because I really know they're not everything. It's easy, too easy to say: yah yabadi yabada it's my hormones, whatev.
There's so much work to do on myself, but where to start? ( Oh, there's chocolate.)

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